4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
