And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
