I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
