i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
