I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
And then he peed in my hair
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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