I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
