I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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