my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Its about making memories worth repressing
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize