guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
