A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
