I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
