we have pet lesbian snakes
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
