I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
