I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
