I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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