I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
