he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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