me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
