ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
