I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
