I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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