two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
