His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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