I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize