i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
