OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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