Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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