Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
