Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
