My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
