I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize