you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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