y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize