you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
