3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
