Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
