I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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