When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
