I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
