I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
