I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
