it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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