I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
did i walk over a car last night?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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