im drinking this country out of the recession.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
foreskin is a definite game changer
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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