I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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