My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
