the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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