I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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