I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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