life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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