good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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