I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize