someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
