I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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