like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
