She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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