guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
