Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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