ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Boobs speak an international language.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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