Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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