Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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