her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
