I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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