Already got asked if we're dating
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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