The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
