you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
