Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
