If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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