When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
last night I used snow as a chaser
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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