If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
