The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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